A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Tracie,

There are at least three aspects in your note we want to address.

First is the unfortunate loop about the hour before the phone call. On pages 157-158 of The Grief Recovery Handbook, there’s a heading called Stuck On A Painful Image. Get a copy of the book and read those two pages several times. They will help you break out of that loop. BTW, we don’t care if you just find the book in your local store and sit on the floor and read those pages. Just make sure you read them.

Second is the issue of not talking openly about your son’s death. Our guess is that if you don’t talk about his death, then you probably don’t talk about his life. We’d guess that’s because you’ve learned that people you might talk to don’t always respond very well, or that you feel they are judgmental about the suicide, and maybe even that you think they judge you because of it. Whatever you don’t talk about stays trapped inside of you, and can only do you harm, it can’t help.

Third is your comment about having to be the strong one – and even there, you indicate that it IS eating you up inside. We want to give you a new choice. You can be strong or you can be human – pick one! When you are strong you cover up or hide your feelings, They stay inside you and start hurting you. When you’re human, you talk to someone you trust and move it from inside to out where it can’t hurt you.

With those things mentioned, we want you to really get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [at most libraries and bookstores]. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. As you do you’ll find many positive changes in relation to the things you’ve been struggling with.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John