Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - When our parent[s] dies when we are very young, we're left with constant wondering of how it might have been. (Published 9/8/2015)

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When our parent[s] dies when we are very young, we're left with constant wondering of how it might have been. (Published 9/8/2015)

My mother died when I was 2 years old. It’s been 20 years since she’s been gone, and as each year goes by, it just gets harder dealing with the pain of not growing up with her in my life. She was 20 years old when she died, and I’ve already out-lived her. What is a good way to deal with the pain? I understand and accept that she is gone, I just don’t know how to deal with it.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Samantha,

Thanks for your note and question.

It’s clear to us that you have accepted and adapted to your mother’s death, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re “emotionally complete” with her death.

For the most part, you probably don’t have any conscious memories of your mom, although you may have pictures and stories that others have told you about her.

What you do have is a young lifetime of wondering about who she was and what it would have been like to have her in your life. And even now, since you’re still very young, wondering what it would be like to have her to talk to and guide you, etc.

We’d recommend that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. It will help you become emotionally complete with all the things that never got to happen because she died before you got to know her. As you do the work the book asks of you, the pain will diminish and you’ll be able to have your life be less restricted by what never got to be.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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When our parent[s] dies when we are very young, we're left with constant wondering of how it might have been. (Published 9/8/2015)

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