Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - Asking sad questions over and over without taking recovery actions, can be an endless, painful loop. (Published 9/2/2014)

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Asking sad questions over and over without taking recovery actions, can be an endless, painful loop. (Published 9/2/2014)

My father died in 2009. It seems like my life is consumed by his death still. Everyday I cry for him, talk to him. and sometimes even act like he didn't die. I know that he's never coming back, but i don' want to believe it. He died of lung cancer. and everyday I wonder why. Why him? I get mad at him for dying. I know it's not his fault, but I need someone to blame. And God is out of the picture. Is it normal to still be feeling this horrible?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and questions.

Yes, missing someone you love, talking to someone you love, and crying over their absence are all normal to a large degree, even three years after the death. But if the missing of your father and crying are so constant as to disrupt your ability to function in your life, then it’s clear that you need to take actions—which we’ll talk about later in this note.

Of course your emotionally poignant question, “Why him?” can’t really be answered, but we think it represents your broken heart talking.

And we believe that your anger and need to blame someone or something are also your broken heart talking.

But as you’ve probably noticed, you can ask that question a million times and you can still be angry over and over and over, and the question and the feelings don’t go away.

Sometimes we notice that grieving people are like hamsters on a wheel, going round and round, and they don’t know how to get off the wheel.

The more you get caught in the questions, the lament, and the feelings of anger, the more you develop a relationship to or identity with your pain.

And when your relationship to your pain is that strong, you naturally don’t want to give it up. The pain you feel masquerades as love for the person who died, but it isn’t really love, it’s just pain.

Even if you believe and trust what we’ve just said and that it is probably true for you, that knowledge doesn’t’ fix you. That is just awareness or discovery.

Discovery without recovery or completion has limited value.

In order to have real changes in how you feel and how you live your life, you’re going to have to learn and take some valuable actions.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll find the pain, anger, and tears diminishing. You’ll find you no longer have a need to ask those questions that can’t be answered. And you’ll retain all the fond memories you have the relationship with your father.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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Asking sad questions over and over without taking recovery actions, can be an endless, painful loop. (Published 9/2/2014)

A Grief Expert Replies:

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