A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Ken,

Thanks for your note.

It’s not uncommon to have the kind of feelings you’re experiencing upon learning of the death of someone so important in your life, even a very long time ago.

However, we would caution against the use of the word “guilt” to describe how you feel. Guilt implies intent to harm, and based on what you said in your short note, we doubt that’s the case. More likely, as you said, that you did love her but that you were both too young at the time to make a long-term go of it.

However, you may have done some things at the time, that upon reflection, you regret. Regret is a different word than guilt – and probably a more accurate one.

When we regret things we’ve done that we believe may have harmed someone, we can apologize for that – yes, even though they’re no longer alive.

In a larger picture, when romantic relationships end, no matter how or why they end, we’re always left with things we wish had ended differently, better, or more [in part, for you, your feelings about not having resolved – or completed – the situation more effectively]; and we’re left with unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations of the future that didn’t get to be. On that last score, your note about her marriages and your lack of same, speak to things unrealized for you.

With all that as a preamble, run don’t walk, to the nearest library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook . Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll be able to complete what was left unresolved for you, and feel a shift that will allow you to retain the fond memories you have of her.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John