A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your note and question.

It may surprise you to learn just how normal your daughter’s reaction is – especially when she's asked how she’s doing.

If people weren’t generally so polite in response to the question, “How are you doing,” many would say, angrily, “How do you think I’m doing, my father died, or my granny just died, or my husband, or my child, etc.”

To explain it a little more, if we had to guess, your daughter has probably experienced the feeling of having her feelings rebuffed when she told the truth. For example, if people asked her how she was doing and she told them, “I’m hurting” or “I’m having a hard time,” they may have said to her, “Well, don’t feel bad, granny’s in a better place.”

It doesn’t take many incidences of having your honest feelings slapped down, to learn to dislike questions about how you feel.

Also, we don’t think it’s a good idea to ask people how they feel, or how they’re doing. Not in that way, because it somehow becomes interrogative. What we suggest is, “I heard that your daddy died, and I can’t imagine what this has been like for you.” That is really a statement that is turned into a question by raising your voice at the end.

There’s something about the word “imagine” that makes it soft, and non-invasive, and also tells the griever that you will not judge them for their answer. With that, it’s important that when someone does tell you how they feel, or how they’re really doing, to not judge them for feeling that way.

We’d also guess that your daughter is emotionally incomplete with her father, not because of anything she’s done or not done, but because his death automatically creates unfinished business for her. We would recommend that you get to a bookstore or library and get a copy of When Children Grieve. Reading it will help you talk with her and possibly guide her to some grief recovery actions that will help her as it relates to her father and to her granny.

From our hearts to yours.

Russell
And
John