A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kandy,

Thanks for your note and questions.

Based on your closeness with your dad, we imagine that your universe is upside down.

We’d guess that normally when your heart was sad, you would talk with your dad about your feelings. Now that he has died, and your heart is broken in millions of pieces, the very person you’d go to for comfort is gone.

The only thing we’d add to those thoughts is to let you know how normal and natural it is for you to be dazed, confused, questioning of yourself, etc.

We’d like to add that your sense of the physical impact on you is also normal and natural. Grief is painful!

As to your wondering if you could have done something to save him: Over the many years we’ve been helping grievers, we’ve heard that lament many thousands of times. More than anything we believe that is your broken heart talking. Trying to piece together clues after the fact always makes you feel even worse and never solves anything.

Also, we’d guess that you were a fantastic daughter, and that you did do everything in your power to be just that.

We also believe that your questions represent the love you had for your dad and how much you miss him.

Whether or not you will ever feel whole again depends on whether or not you take actions that help you complete what your dad’s death has left emotionally unfinished for you. Even if you do take helpful actions and begin to feel whole again, the fact is that things will be different than they were when dad was alive.

Go to the bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. The actions of recovery outlined in the book will help you immensely, and allow you to regain that sense of wholeness even though he’s no longer here.

From our hearts to your,

Russell
And
John