A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Ann,

Ouch, Ann, what a tangled web of losses – for you as well as for your mother.

With dementia and Alzheimer’s we lose the sense of connection with important people in our lives, while the fact that they look and sound like who they “were” is very confusing. Even harder is trying to get them to be how they used to be, which of course doesn’t happen.

You have at least three major losses over the past several years: the death of your father, the ongoing descent of your mother, and now the death of your brother.

First thing for you is to get yourself a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and book stores], and start taking the actions detailed in it to help you become as emotionally complete as you can in all three of those relationships.

When it comes to your ongoing relationship with your mother: Rather than trying to comfort her—which as you can see—doesn’t really work, tell the truth about yourself. As it realties to your brother and the mystery of his death, your truth might sound like this: “Yes, mom, I’m also having a very hard time not knowing what happened. It sometimes keeps me awake at night as my imagination goes wild trying to guess. It also makes me sad when I realize that you and he hadn’t any contact for so long.”

It’s not that I want her to comfort you, instead of the other way around. What I want is to the greatest degree possible for you and your mother to be able to be truthful in sharing whatever emotions are triggered by

the death of your brother.

The other guidance I would suggest is that when your mother says, “He was my son,” you might try saying, “Yes, mom, I can’t imagine how devastating this not knowing what happened must be for you.”

I believe that will be a much better thing than trying to comfort her. Even if she was not afflicted with the dementia, comfort would not really work, as there’s nothing you can say to ease someone else’s emotional pain.

We hope this helps,

Russell Friedman And John W. James