Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - To feel sad when someone important to us dies makes sense—so our best guidance to you is not to fight the sadness, but allow it. (Published 12/3/13)

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To feel sad when someone important to us dies makes sense—so our best guidance to you is not to fight the sadness, but allow it. (Published 12/3/13)

My mom died in April of this year. I'm still having a very hard time with her death. I've been told to think only of the happy times. Well, when I think of the happy times, I just get sad again. Nothing seems to help. It seems that everyone else has been able to deal with this. What are some things that I can do to help myself get over this?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Brittany,

Thanks for your note and question.

It’s amazing how often people hear that illogical piece of advice—to only think about the happy times or the good times. As if it were possible to divide our minds into sections and leave out other aspects of the relationship—and as if thinking of positive things wouldn’t make you sad and miss them.

And we know the people who say those things to you mean well, but they don’t really help.

A bigger issue is that in this recent few months since your mom died, feeling sad is normal and natural and healthy. To feel sad when someone important to us dies makes sense—so our best guidance to you is not to fight the sadness, but allow it.

Also, we recommend that you not compare yourself to others who have been affected by a death. They may put on a front and appear not to be emotionally affected, but most of them are just like you—they just hide their real feelings.

Rather than get over this, we hope you will get through this, and to do that we suggest that you take the actions of grief recovery that will help you discover and complete what your mom’s death has left emotionally incomplete for you.

Go to the library or the bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and start taking the actions it outlines. As you do, you will find some shifts that will help so that fond memories of your mom do not get painful for you.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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To feel sad when someone important to us dies makes sense—so our best guidance to you is not to fight the sadness, but allow it. (Published 12/3/13)

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