A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Diana,

Thanks for your note. We are touched about your concern for your friends, and indeed for their marriage, which could be negatively affected by this tragedy.

One of the issues with grief recovery is that “intervention” is not advisable. That is, we can’t force people to do what we know would help them. It requires a willing participant.

That said, we don’t know if either the husband or wife has reached out and asked you for help. And, we don’t know if either of them is aware that you had a daughter die a long time ago.

What you can do is tell the truth about yourself, which is that you can say, “Even though I had a daughter die many years ago, I can’t imagine what this has been like for you.” As you say that, you make your voice go up at the end, to turn what is really a statement into a gentle question. It is the safest and most helpful way to ask “how are you feeling?” without actually saying that phrase.

That gentle invitation to talk is almost always met with an open and honest response. In part, because the word “imagine” suggests that you will listen to whatever they say without judgment, analysis, or opinion, thereby making it safe to talk to you.

Hopefully they will trust you and talk a little about what they’re experiencing.

Keep that conversation short and when you feel the moment is right, you can introduce them to The Grief Recovery Handbook.

But before that, here’s something we suggest you do. Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read the first 58 pages [Part One]. Then you can offer them your copy of the book with the following statement – “Here’s a book that I found to be really helpful. I thought you might benefit from it also.” By doing it that way, you’re not suggesting that there’s anything wrong with them, just that they might find something of value in the book.

Hopefully, as they read those pages, they’ll get a sense of hope that recovery is possible, and they’ll move towards taking the actions the book outlines.

One caution: The book calls for people to work in partnerships. However, it is never a good idea for husband and wife to work together. And especially not when they had different and unique relationships with their son who died. This is a circumstance where you might volunteer to be partner with one of them in the process the book outlines.

You are free to contact us as this unfolds for any guidance we can provide.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John