A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Amber,

Thank you for your poignant email and questions.

We want to focus on one particular part of your note, where you say: “I am worried that the reality of my loss has not quite set in yet.”

You are probably very correct in that assumption. Years ago we coined a phrase, “emotional Novocain” to explain the fact that our body/mind package will shut us down to protect us from feeling the amount and intensity of pain caused by the death of someone important to us, and particularly a sudden or unexpected death. Although you didn’t mention the cause of your mother’s death, or whether it was sudden or the result of a long illness, the sense of unreality also applies when a death is out of scope in time, as must be the case when a woman of 48 dies.

[Note - we got an email back from Amber explaining that her mother had died of a sudden heart attack.]

Either way, that is why grieving people often seem to be able to get through the first week or ten days after a death, but are surprised at what happens to them after that, when the full reality of the loss hits them.

It’s also important to note that that initial reaction in which the reality doesn’t seem to have hit, is not the famous denial that is alluded to in the alleged stages a dying person might go through. It’s really a protective survival response which gives you the time and ability to adapt to the painful reality of the death.

As you absorb what we’ve just said, it’s important for you to understand that what’s going on—including your legitimate sense that it hasn’t hit you yet—is normal and natural. That said, you would be well-advised to make sure you have people you trust who you can talk with when and as the reality of your feelings comes crashing to the surface. The more you can speak about what you’re experiencing, the more you will reduce the possibility of something emotionally or physically negative happening to you; and the less liable you will be to be rendered incapable of functioning.

Here’s a link to an article of ours titled Normal And Natural Grief Reactions, as it appears on Tributes.com: http://www.tributes.com/grief_recovery_center/article/11 And here’s a short section from that article: Numbness: A sense of numbness is the most common reaction you’re likely to experience in the days and weeks immediately following the death of someone meaningful in your life. It’s the body’s way of protecting you from the amount and intensity of feeling caused by the death. Please understand that numbness is a normal—and even healthy—protection from the sometimes overwhelming impact of a death. We often refer to the numbness as “emotional Novocain.” Even though numbness is a normal and typical reaction, not knowing that’s true sometimes causes grievers to think there’s something wrong with them, or that they are crazy. Nothing could be further from the truth.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John