A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Mark,

Thanks for your note and question.

Of course it’s impossible for us to answer the question, “How should I feel?” You have to feel whatever and however you feel and no one else gets an opinion or a vote.

The key phrases for us in your note are “I did have a chance to apologize and to say good-bye…” and, “there are issues we never covered.”

In the first one, where you did apologize—even though you say it doesn’t seem enough—the fact is you made the apology for those wrongs you did when you were younger. And thankfully, you took the opportunity to say good bye which is very, very important.

However, it is the issues that were not covered that may be troubling you now. Unresolved grief is about all the things we wish we had said or done differently, better, or more; and about the things we wish the other person had said or done differently, better, or more.

When someone important to us dies, we are robbed of the opportunity to say or do the things we might have done to clear up some of the issues that were unfinished for us with that person. That is also a major component of unresolved grief.

We strongly suggest that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will be able to feel more complete with some of the communications that you never got to make directly with your father.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John