Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - So many people ask, "What more could I have done?" (Published 10/1/2013)

A Letter From John » Visit www.griefrecoverymethod.com » Watch a Testimonial »

Ask The Grief Experts

So many people ask, "What more could I have done?" (Published 10/1/2013)

My Mama died in early January, 2011. I've had uncontrollable crying spells for fifteen to twenty minutes on dates, at work, and just watching TV, among other public places. Why, just out the blue, does this constantly happen? Is it normal to feel you failed after a parent passes—that you couldn’t do more?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Ms. Nora,

Thanks for your note and questions.

It’s very common to have those kind of uncontrollable crying jags—and to have them at times and in places where you’d rather appear and feel more under control. So please understand that it’s well within the range of normal and natural reactions to the death of someone important to you.

While it appears to “…just happen out of the blue…” it really is not that way. The fact is that whether you know it or not, some part of your brain and heart is focused on your mom and the fact that she’s no longer alive, 24/7. So though you may not be consciously aware of it, you’re having thoughts and feelings about MAMA, all the time.

Also, many people question themselves after someone has died, as to whether they could have done more, been there more for the dying person, etc. It is your broken heart talking, that asks that question. As you’ve probably guessed, it’s not a question that can really be answered.

We hope this helps,

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

« Prev Question Next Question » View Q&A Archive »

Ask The Grief Experts Archives

Find Local Support

If you or someone important to you wants help with grief: Look for a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist℠ in your community. The Grief Recovery Institute ® trains and mentors Certified Grief Recovery Specialists℠ throughout the United States & Canada.

Workshops & Training Schedule

The Grief Recovery Institute ® offers Certification Training programs for those who wish to help grievers.

April 2017

May 2017

View All Dates »

Celebrity Obituaries

John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

Ask The Grief Experts

So many people ask, "What more could I have done?" (Published 10/1/2013)

A Grief Expert Replies:

Ask The Grief Experts Archives

Dealing effectively with your grief helps you guide your children in theirs. (Published 12/27/16)

Inaccurate advice, though "well-meaning," can confuse or even hurt grieving people. (Published 12/20/16)

It's normal for dying people — and their caretakers — to get cranky from time to time. (Published 12/13/16)

Sad as it may be, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. (Published 12/06/16)

One of the benefits of grief recovery is remembering the person the way we knew them in life, not only as we knew them in death. (Published 11/29/16)

When going through a loved one's belongings, have a trusted friend with you. (Published 11/22/16)

If you’d known, you would have found a way to visit; nothing would have stopped you. (Published 11/15/16)

Forgiveness is for you, to give you freedom. It is not for the person(s) who hurt you. (Published 11/08/16)

There’s no one universal thing to say or do that will always fit. (Published 11/1/16)

What people show on the outside and what they feel on the inside are often worlds apart.

Punishing yourself for something you didn't cause, and lack the power to undo, is unfair to you. (Published 10/18/16)

Most people don’t even know that recovery from loss is possible, much less how to go about it. (Published 10/11/16)

Other issues are distracting, but your primary task is dealing with your broken heart. (Published 10/4/16)

The attempt to protect children from grief can backfire!

The best way to find out how someone else feels is for you to go first! (Published 09/20/2016)

Sometimes the best way to help someone else is to help yourself. (Published 9/13/2016)

The circumstances of a death — whether by suicide or other causes — can create a temporary or long-term breach of faith. (Published 9/6/2016)

Sometimes unresolved grief can look like competition or comparison.

It's sad when those we love are no longer here. It's even sadder when we don't talk about them.

Many stimuli, conscious or unconscious, can provoke memories that make us sad. (Published 8/16/2016)

It's normal and natural to have sad emotions when looking at pictures and videos. (Published 8/9/16)

Time can’t heal an emotional wound anymore than it can fix a flat tire (Published 8/2/16)

When our parents die, many of our feelings are childlike, no matter how old we are. (Published 7/26/16)

Telling children the truth about suicide of a parent — difficult but essential. (Published 7/19/2016)

Death of a former spouse from whom we’re divorced can be devastating. (Published 7/12/2016)

Remarriages often cause wedges between original family members. (Published 7/5/2016)

It's dangerous to compare our insides to other people's outsides. (Published 6/28/2016)

It's not helpful to blame ourselves for the decisions others make. (Published 6/21/2016)

The death of a younger sibling can be very painful for those of us who helped raise them. (Published 6/7/2016)

We don’t want to “get over” our emotional relationships with people or animals; that would mean forgetting them. (Published 5/31/2016)

It's not uncommon for grieving parents to struggle with pain and jealousy when they see children at family events. (Published 5/24/2016)

You may regret the decision NOT to attend a memorial more than the sad feelings you might have if you attend. (Published 5/17/2016)

It's heartbreaking, but grandparents are often legally kept from seeing their grandkids. (Published 5/11/2016)

There's a world of difference between grief and grief recovery. (Published 5/3/2016)

Memorials and shrines are excellent reminders of people we love, but they do not necessarily facilitate recovery.

You can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

We must grieve and complete each relationship so that fond memories do not turn painful on us. (Published 4/19/2016)

It's difficult to make crucial medical decisions when your emotions are up in the air. (Published 4/12/2016)

New relationship doesn't have that "I can't live without you" feeling. (Published 4/5/2016)

Finally found dad, only to have him torn away by a gory accident. (Published 3/29/2016)

The divorce or break-up ends the day-to-day physical relationship, but doesn't complete the emotional attachment. (Published 3/22/2016)

Opening the emotional door to all memories, not just the painful ones. (Published 3/15/2016)

The difficult task of letting your Alzheimer's affected family member or friend be who they are not who they used to be. (Published 3/8/2016)

The news that a former spouse died years ago can feel as raw as if it hapened today. (Published 3/1/2016)

When someone from our romantic past dies it can unearth unfinished emotions, or unresolved grief. (Published 02/23/2016)

Adapting to the painful, unwanted reality of the death of somone meaningful to you isn't easy or painless. (Published 2/16/2016)

It's best to deal with your emotions first to help you to deal with memorabilia. (Published 2/9/2016)

We need a permanent, re-locatable place to visit to remember important people in our lives who have died. (Published 2/2/2016)

It's not always possible to get back into the inner circle, but you can still deal with your broken heart. (Published 01/26/2016)

The right tools are the pathway to recovery from grief. (Published 01/19/2016)

Moving forward even when you feel stuck. (Published 1/12/2016)

An awful lot of people would just as soon leap over the holiday months - too many remidners of people who are gone. (Published 1/5/2016)

Your feelings are unique to you. Don't compare them with what it "looks" like others are feeling. (Published 12/29/2015)

Grief can feel worse when insensitive language is used. (Published 12/22/2015)

When we don't know how to deal with our grief, we wait for time to heal us, but it only gets worse. (Published 12/15/2015)

Grief is not a "process." It is a collection of memories and feelings about your relationship with the person who died. (Published 12/8/2015)

How to shift from constant painful feelings to a more comprehensive emotional view of the whole relationship. (Published 12/1/2015)

The feelings attached to a broken heart don't just roll off your back. (Published 11/24/2015)

Fear is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss. As in: How will I go on without that person? (Published 11/17/2015)

It’s okay to talk about things that weren’t always happy or pleasant. Be truthful but not mean-spirited. (Published 11/11/2015)

Nothing wrong with dreaming about someone you miss. (Published 11/3/2015)

It's not just knowing what to do, you have to do it! (Published 10/27/2015)

Grief without recovery can be never-ending! (Published 10/20/2015)

Widows and widowers sometimes get trapped in the idea that they're "cheating" when they enter new relationships. (Published 10/13/2015)

There are always things we wish had been different, better, or more, especially at the end of the life of someone important to us. (Published 10/6/2015)

Whether or not the perpetrator is ever caught and punished, you must get yourself out of your emotional jail. (Poblishec 09/29/2015)

Sometimes our well-intended advice backfires—especially when it wasn’t requested. (Published 9/22/2015)

It's difficult to define normal as it relates to grief, but if you're troubled by your thoughts and feelings, get help. (Published 9/15/2015)

When our parent[s] dies when we are very young, we're left with constant wondering of how it might have been. (Published 9/8/2015)

Raw emotions of grief are painful, especially in reaction to an unexpected death by suicide. (Published 9/1/2015)

How to help very young children who don't understand the permanence of death. (Published 8/25/2015)

The key to recovery is willingness. You can only set an example, you can't do it for them. (Published 8/18/2015)

Acceptance is a by-product of taking the actions of Grief Recovery. (Published 8/11/2015)