A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Jamie,

Thanks for your note.  We are touched by your concerns for your mother’s well-being as well as for your son. One problem is that it’s very difficult to help someone who does not want or ask for help. Our sense from reading your note is that your mother is not asking.

If that is true, the best thing we can suggest is that you take care of yourself and guide your son by demonstrating healthy grieving and effective communication of your feelings about the death of your brother. Even though at age two, your son may have limited verbal skills, he will understand your body language and tone. [We know that it has been almost a year since your brother died, but there are many chronicling dates—like birthdays etc.—which will give you some feelings, and which you can use to explain to your son how sad you are that your bother—his uncle—is no longer here.]

As to your mother and her calling your son by your brother’s nickname: As a custodial parent of your child, you have every right to ask or even tell your mom that you prefer that she not do that. If she chooses not to comply with your wishes, you have to decide if you want to restrict her access to your son. We know that sounds tough, but your genuine concern for your son needs to trump other concerns.

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John