A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Krissy,

Thanks for your note and question.

Even though your note is short, there are a few different elements to it.

First, the fact that your relationship with your grandfather was more like a father is very important. It means that there is a lifetime of events with emotions attached that affected you, not just the circumstances and speed of his death.

Many people get focused on the end of the relationship and lose sight of the whole relationship.

We’d strongly recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and bookstores]. As you read it and take the actions it suggests, you will find yourself feeling more and more emotionally complete with your grandfather. With that, you will be able to remember and think about the whole relationship and not just the ending.

Another element is the word-idea, “closure.” When you read The Grief Recovery Handbook, you’ll notice that the word closure never appears. In part it is because we think that closure implies something that is both incorrect and scary for people. That is, that closure implies the end of a relationship. When someone important to us dies, the aspect of the relationship that has ended is the physical one – the emotional and spiritual aspects continue as long as you’re alive.

That’s why we prefer to say that we help people become “emotionally complete” with the things they wish had happened differently, better, or more, and with all the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John