A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Theresa,

Ouch – what a painful story!

In addition to your other questions, in your note you say: “Why is it so much worse this year than last? I feel as if I am regressing instead of progressing.”

Answer: “Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative—and since time can’t heal an emotional wound, it can only get worse.”

And: “Unresolved grief is about all the things we wish had happened Differently, Better, or More; and about all the unrealized Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations about the future.”

Those are composite quotes from our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. To a certain degree they answer your question about why it seems to feel worse this year than last, and why you may feel as if you’re going backwards.

As to your other question: “And how do you solve unresolved issues when the other person is dead?”

A fact is that in almost all relationships—even good ones —when one person dies, the surviving person will discover things they wish had happened Differently, Better, or More. That means that nearly everyone who’s reacting to the death of someone important in their life, will have to deal with what is unfinished in that relationship, and therefore unresolved, after the death.

Not knowing the exact style or content of the “two courses of grief counseling” you went through, I can’t comment on that. But I can tell you that the primary purpose of The Grief Recovery Handbook is to help people discover and complete everything that was left incomplete in their relationship with the person who died. The completion includes “saying goodbye,” even though the other person is no longer living.

As with most of our guidance, we strongly suggest you get a copy of the book and take the actions it outlines. Hopefully, as a result of doing the work, you will feel more complete and the flashbacks and panic attacks will diminish and disappear.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell Friedman
And
John W. James