Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - Misguided hurtful comments can keep us from our primary grief. (Published 6/16/2015)

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Misguided hurtful comments can keep us from our primary grief. (Published 6/16/2015)

My son died six yeas ago. I still miss him. Life for me is so extremely different. I have been in therapy since he died. My question: I have not gotten support from my family. My sister says, "I have a friend who lost her son to hanging himself. You should be over this by now. He's dead, 6 ft in the ground, worm food." This statement continues to crop up in my mind and hurts deeply! I so much want my sister to understand the depth of my pain as my son was my only child and we were very close. How can I come to terms with myself that this will never happen? She doesn't understand, because she has not lost her son.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Linda,

Thanks for your note, painful though it is to read what your sister said.

Part of the problem is that you’re clearly distracted by what she said, which certainly adds a dimension to your grief. But the primary issue is the death of your son, not the horrible comments made by your sister.

Also, the issue that she never had a son die is not the point. The heartbreaking point for you is that YOUR son died.

The focus for you has to be to become as emotionally complete as you can with your son, and the fact that your life IS so different from what you imagine it would have been. You also must learn how to become emotionally complete with your sister, and the obvious fact that she’s never going to comprehend what you’ve been through.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. You’ll find a shift in how you feel in relationship to your son, and you’ll be able to stop focusing on your sister and what she said.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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Misguided hurtful comments can keep us from our primary grief. (Published 6/16/2015)

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