A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear FO5F,

Thanks for your note and your total honesty about what this nightmare tragedy has done to you and your family.

One of the absurdities you point out, is that you will be expected or need to go back to work, and somehow be able to be present and productive while your heart, soul, and mind are not on this planet.

Even though time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, the fact is this double set of overwhelming losses is new and raw. We imagine that when you wake up each day and once more become consciously aware that both your son and your mother are gone, that it’s like a bolt of lightening going though your heart. And that the pain explodes inside of you and the tears on the outside.

Our guidance to you—as painful as it may sound—is not to even try to move on at this point, but to allow yourself to feel every ounce of hurt. You can’t go over, under, or around it, you have to go through it. As you do, try to keep talking about your relationships with your son and with your mother, not just the ends of their lives and how they died. Talk about everything you remember in your entire relationships with each of them, going as far back as you can remember. You do it, and encourage your husband and your daughter and your five year old son to do the same.

Of course you can talk about the pain as you need to, but the more you talk about the relationships each of you had with your son and your mother who died, the more you will be able to retain fond memories, and to remember them the way you knew them in life, not only as you knew them in death.

In addition to talking about them, we strongly suggest that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it suggests, you will be able to adapt to the tragic reality of what happened. And you will be able to have a life of meaning and value even though your life is changed forever.

Also, at the library or book store, get a copy of When Children Grieve. It will help you guide your five your old who needs the best help possible as he struggles with something that he probably can’t fully understand yet.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John