A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Marie,

Thanks for your note.

Of course we can’t give guidance or advice about what your mom should do, especially without speaking directly to her to find out what is true for her. Many widows or widowers are soothed by being in the home they shared with their mate for many years. So it is not an automatic truth to presume that she has the same hard time you or your siblings might have.

As to your emotions: We think you said it best when you said that although you have read some of The Grief Recovery Handbook, you need to read more of it. The most important thing is to take the actions the book outlines.

We don’t agree with your covering up your feelings and not showing mom your sadness. You’d show her your happiness, wouldn’t you? We don’t like being dishonest about feelings, it doesn’t help anyone. But it does make us suggest that you go to pages 33 and 34 of The Grief Recovery Handbook and read what it says about the myth of “being strong for others.”

We also recommend that you not predict how you will feel in the future. You can be differently happy than you were when your father was alive. I miss my mom who died 19 years ago, but having done the actions of Grief Recovery, I retain all the fond memories and sweet feelings I have for her. That makes me happy.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John