A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Savannah,

As I started reading your question, the first thing that popped into my mind was to ask you if you normally cry when sad or painful things happen. But before I  began to write, you explained why crying is so painful for you.

This is very delicate for me to have to say, but your mom, in an attempt to help you when you were little, created the idea that if you were sad and cried you’d make yourself sick, and now, that’s exactly what’s happening.

Over the years, we’ve helped many people who could not or would not cry, for reasons similar to yours – and sometimes for other reasons.

We don’t try to get them to cry, because “not crying” can be a very strong belief system and also becomes a habit. Even though you’re only 14, you have strong beliefs and habits about sad feelings which affect how you deal with loss.

So rather than trying to get you to cry, we would only encourage you to tell the truth about how you feel. As you said, truthfully, “I still miss her.” That’s all I needed to hear to know that you are emotionally affected by your mother’s death.

I would assume you are sad, as well as missing her, and I’d imagine you have many other feelings as well.

My concern is not whether you ever cry, but whether you try to force feelings to stay inside of you. We personally have known thousands of people who made themselves sick because they didn’t tell the truth about how they felt – with or without crying.

I also have a funny feeling that it might be difficult for you to think about and talk about your mom and the feelings you’re having without crying. And, since crying is so fearful for you, you’re trapped. You have a problem if you don’t cry, and you have problems if you do.

For now, I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. I believe you are a young woman whose heart is broken because her mother died. Please feel free to share this email with your counselors, and if they wish to contact me, I’d be glad to talk with them. I agree with you that it would be a bad idea to force yourself to cry to get them off your back.

Here’s a couple of links to a pair of articles I wrote several years ago, called On Crying Part 1, and On Crying, Part 2.

http://www.grief.net/Articles/On_Crying_Part_1.htm

http://www.grief.net/Articles/On_Crying_Part_2.htm

Also, I would recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [which is available in most libraries]. It will really help you as deal with the dramatic changes in your life caused by your mother’s death.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John