Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - A broken heart is sometimes about what never got to happen. (Published 4/9/2013)

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A broken heart is sometimes about what never got to happen. (Published 4/9/2013)

I have never asked anyone about this, let alone told anyone how I feel about it. I had a friend die a year ago. We both liked each other but I always end relationships, so we never dated and one day he died, suddenly. It feels like I’m nothing anymore. Every time I date someone I always think of him. I can't tell if I was in love with him, because we never dated, but he was my best friend. I loved talking to him and told him everything. How do I fix myself? How do I not hate every minute I breathe?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note—and thanks for trusting us to tell us things you haven’t told anyone about before.

Unresolved grief is about all the things we wish we had done, differently, better, or more; and about all the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

As it relates to your friend who died, it seems to us that you might have unfinished emotional business [unresolved grief] in all of those areas.

And, as you’ve noticed, it has really held you back in life. Not just in the dating arena, but based on your last sentence about hating every minute you breathe, in other areas as well.

It's painful enough when someone important to us dies, but it gets exponentially worse when we realize after they’re gone, all the things that might have been.

We strongly recommend that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will start to feel a shift in your life. While you will still miss your friend from time to time, you will be able to be more present in your life, both dating and general living.

We also think that it will always be valuable for you to have the fond memories of how you were able to talk to him and tell him everything. If you can retain the sense of value that has for you, you'll be able to learn to trust again, and find other[s] who you will want to share your thoughts and feelings—and your life—with.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

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A broken heart is sometimes about what never got to happen. (Published 4/9/2013)

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