A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Terry,

Thanks for your note and question.

Indeed, for you the loss is compounded. For now, it is as if you’ve lost your sister on top of the death of your niece. And, knowing that twins can be exceptionally close—whether identical or fraternal—we’d imagine that your pain is overwhelming,

There is no easy answer we can give you. No matter what we can say that might be helpful for you, we aren’t able to talk to your sister, and as you probably already know, she wouldn’t be able to hear us at this point anyway. Her anger—as understandable as it may be—keeps her away from any kind of help or comfort from family or friends, and certainly keeps her far away from any guidance from professionals.

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. You need to take the actions that will help you feel as emotionally complete as you can with your niece AND with your sister. In addition to that helping you, the best we can then hope for, is that at some point she’ll notice the changes in you and will ask about it. Until then, since she’s not asking for your help [or anyone else’s] then you have to let her alone.

The fact is that no one does understand how she feels, but what she doesn’t realize is that even another woman who might have had her daughter blown away by a boyfriend, still wouldn’t understand, because all relationships are unique. The fact is that she would be devastated—and possibly just as angry—had her daughter died some other way.

Go to the bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll get back some of your energy, which we’re guessing you might need if you’re to be one of the primary caregivers for your mother. Her illness is another grief for you that you must deal with as you move forward.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John