Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - Say "I feel sad in this moment," instead of "I feel sad today." Today is way too long to stay stuck in one feeling. (Published 9-20-11)

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Say "I feel sad in this moment," instead of "I feel sad today." Today is way too long to stay stuck in one feeling. (Published 9-20-11)

I lost the love of my life on Dec. 23, 2010, two days before our second Christmas. It was a very sad and emotional time in my life, to watch the man I love sooo much pass away in front of my eyes, the feeling of being so helpless, knowing that it was God's wish to take Steve home. Now it is the first Valentine's Day, alone since Steve passed, the feeling I have today is so empty, and alone, I miss him so much, even though we were only married a short time we shared every waking moment we had together and that is what I find so hard today, the empty feeling and the loniness. What can I do to help the grieving??
tthank you,
Linda

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Linda,

Thanks for your note and question.

I wanted to answer you tonight from my home, because I know that today’s date, Valentine’s day, is a chronicling date that has extra meaning when a spouse has died.

Your grieving needs no help. You are perfectly sad, and empty and alone. Those are the normal and natural feelings attached to the death of your spouse and to the major holidays couples share.

One of the problems for you is that Steve was probably the person you went to for comfort when your heart was sad, and now his death is the cause of your sadness, but you can’t go to him for comfort.

One thing you can do is make sure you have a safe person or two, to whom you can express your feelings in the moment you’re having them. When talking about how you feel, keep it as simple as possible. Avoid long stories about your pain if you can.

Here’s a tip: when you have a feeing of sadness, loneliness, etc., say to one of your trusted people, “In this moment, I feel very sad,” or very alone, or whatever you feel. That way, that moment can pass, and you can go to the next moment. Say “in this moment,” instead of saying, “today I feel.” Today is too long to stay stuck in one feeling.

While your loss is very raw and new, it is to be expected that your feelings will be low and that concentration will be difficult. Accept those natural facts and allow yourself to feel and express the feelings you’re having.

At some point, to help you shift from grief to grief recovery, go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it, you’ll get guidance about dealing with the emotions you’re experiencing. It will also help you become as emotionally complete as possible with what happened with Steve’s death, as well as the loss of the hopes, dreams, and expectations you had about your future together.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell
And
John

ps – I noticed that your email has the word “roses” in it. I couldn’t help being affected by the symbolism of it on this particular day. RF

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Say "I feel sad in this moment," instead of "I feel sad today." Today is way too long to stay stuck in one feeling. (Published 9-20-11)

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