Grief Recovery Institute Featured Question - "Reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to discover when I need him one more time, he’s no longer there.” (Published 4/21/2015)

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"Reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to discover when I need him one more time, he’s no longer there.” (Published 4/21/2015)

After thirty-nine years of marriage, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part; then, in a heart-beat, that person is gone. How do you go on when your heart is so broken?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Debra,

Thanks for your poignant note and question.

One of the most powerful definitions of grief we’ve ever heard is: “Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to discover when I need him one more time, he’s no longer there.”

Your simple, but elegant comment-question says it all in a very similar way.

We’d guess that one aspect of your broken heart and missing him relates to the fact that over those 39 years, if you needed to talk and get some comfort when you were hurting, you would talk to him—and now it is his absence that hurts you the most.

We know that people, and even books, say absurd things like, “ You have to let go and move on.” But we always, ask, “Let go of what, and move on where, and how do I do that?” Of course those are rhetorical questions, but they represent a truth for grieving people.

We suggest you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll be able to move forward in your life even though he’s not here to share it with you. You’ll be able to retain the fond memories you have and share them with the people who are in your life.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

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Ask The Grief Experts

"Reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to discover when I need him one more time, he’s no longer there.” (Published 4/21/2015)

A Grief Expert Replies:

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