A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Shandi,

Thanks for your note.

Over the years we’ve gotten thousands of calls and emails from people who were occupied with other things and did not take the time to call or visit someone who was ill, only to have them die before they got the chance to see or talk to them.

Almost always, the situation is similar to yours, and leaves them with horrible feelings and questions like yours: “How do I accept the things I did?”

We’d like to gently correct the idea that you “did” anything wrong or bad. Based on your note, we believe you were trying to get yourself and your son settled in after your move back home. We know that moving is exhausting, both physically and emotionally.

We also believe that if you had known just how close your grandma was to the end of her life, you would have dropped everything and run to see her.

In reference to your comment, “I was trying to be strong for my Dad and my son.” Here is a section from one of our major articles on Tributes.com, in which we explain the myths that harm us in dealing with grief:

Myth #5 - Be Strong - Be Strong For Others Being Strong may be the most important myth to investigate and reverse. Without argument, as children we copy the behaviors demonstrated by our parents and other adults. It’s all too common for a parent, in a mis-guided attempt to "Be Strong For The Children," to display no emotion at all about a major loss of their own. Perhaps their own parent, the child's grandparent has died. Instead of showing how they feel, they clam up, but expect, and sometimes even try to force, the child to talk about the feelings the child has about the death. What they don’t realize is that they are inadvertently passing on to their children the myth of “being strong,” or “being strong for others.” The fact is that you can’t really “be” anything for someone else. All you can be is honest, which is really the most helpful thing you can do. The option we suggest is, “You Can Be Strong Or You Can Be Human—Pick One!”

Here’s a link to one of our Tributes.com articles titled: If I Start Crying, Will I be Able to Stop? http://www.tributes.com/grief_recovery_center/article/27

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John