A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Peggy,

Thanks for your note and question. 

Let us begin our response with a gentle reminder that your granddaughter’s death is very recent and raw. We would be surprised, this short time later, if you were not feeling those emotions you report. Grief is painful! 

That’s not to say that “time heals” your wounds, it’s just that it takes each of us some amount of time to adapt to painful losses.

Also, we want to question the idea that you’re feeling “guilt.” Not that we would or could dictate what you’re feeling, it’s just that guilt implies intent to harm. We don’t imagine that you ever did anything with intent to harm your granddaughter. If that’s so, then guilt is not the right word, and using it gives you feelings that aren’t accurate for you. On the other hand, there may be things you wish you’d done “differently, better or more, “ which certainly would add dimension to the feelings you’re having.

As to your question, “Will I ever be able to think of her or speak her name without breaking down in tears?”: That answer also doesn’t relate solely to the passage of time. It is a function of what you do to help yourself become emotionally complete with your granddaughter’s death, and the circumstances under which she died.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll start to sense a shift in your feelings, and a return to many of the memories you had over the whole 16 years, and not just the end of her life. The relief will come from taking those actions.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John