A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Lost and Lonely,

Thanks for your note and very poignant question.

Let’s start with the fact that your husband's death is so recent and raw, that we’d be surprised if you weren’t feeling the way you feel.

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss, and that sense of lost and lonely is 100% normal and healthy.

The hardest thing to understand is those periods of ok followed by being smacked to the ground, as you say, as if hit by a truck.

In day-to-day life, when our person is alive, we don’t think of them 24/7. But after they die, as you walk through the quicksand of grief, there are also times when you are not thinking about them. It’s not as if you don’t know he died, it’s just that you’re not focused on him in that moment, and it can seem as if nothing had changed. Then that  reminder comes along, and with it, that giant truck that slams you to the ground again; and out come the tears and the pain, and indeed, it can feel like the day he died all over again.

We have had that kind of experience, as have most of the people we’ve talked to and helped over the years.

So, let us repeat that phrase “normal and natural,” to let you know that there’s nothing wrong with you.

Adapting to the new painful and unwanted reality of his death, is something you have to walk through and learn to adapt to, within time. Not as a function of time, but of learning how to put one foot in front of the other and live life without him here.

Along the way as you learn to adapt, you’ll probably realize that there are things you wish had done different, better, or more, in your relationship with your husband; and that his death leaves you with unrealized hopes, dreams and expectations about the future.

When that happens [and even before], go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook . Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll discover some real shifts that will allow you to have fond memories not turn painful on you.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell and John

John and Russell, Lost and Lonely without him has submitted a question to the Tributes.com Grief Recovery Institute Guidance Center at 01:40 EST on 10-08-2012. Lost and Lonely without him can be reached at [email protected]. The question reads: My husband passed away this September 2nd, I feel very lost and lonely without him. Why is it when I feel I’m doing ok, it feels like sometimes I forgot he is passed, and when I remember... BANG it hits like a mac truck and the pain, hurt, and tears start all over again like it was the day he passed ?