John W. James
Founder of The Grief Recovery Institute®
Co-Author of The Grief Recovery
Handbook & When Children Grieve
Articles & Media
Two First Ladies — No Feelings, Please!)
Preamble: On March 6, 2016, former first lady Nancy Reagan died. In honor of her life, we thought we'd show how human emotions are often distorted in the glare of political and media spotlights. As you read about two of our most famous first ladies, Nancy Reagan and Jackie Kennedy, you will see that expressing the normal and natural feelings of grief is sometimes vilified; and how suppressing those emotions is sometimes glorified. Which — if either — is correct?
By Russell Friedman
"Reduced to joy?"
Wait a minute, don't you mean "reduced to tears?"
No, we mean exactly what we said. We are making a point. Many expressions swirl around the twin topics of grief and recovery. Unfortunately, most of them are not helpful when we find ourselves stuck in the middle of grieving situations.
We have been socialized to believe that sadness — the normal response to sad news or sad memories — somehow reduces us, that it's an inappropriate emotional response.
In 1996, the Republican National Convention was held in San Diego, California. One of the keynote speakers was former first lady Nancy Reagan. By that point in time, President Ronald Reagan was already under the impact of full-blown Alzheimer's disease. As Mrs. Reagan spoke, she cried, openly and honestly. What a perfect representation of emotional truth, for all the world to see. At least, that's what we thought.
But not so, thought the Los Angeles Times. On Aug. 12, 1996, the Times ran a headline stating:
"Nancy Reagan loses composure in a tribute to her ailing husband."
On Aug. 13, 1996, we responded with a letter to the editor of the Times. Here is a copy of that letter:
"We have been interviewed and quoted many times in the Los Angeles Times View and Life Style sections as experts on the topic of grief and recovery. Our constant refrain is that 'Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss.'
"Nancy Reagan, along with millions of others, has experienced a major loss in response to the impact of Alzheimer's disease on her husband, President Reagan. Even those with opposing political views share a sense of sadness when thinking about him.
"Since grief is normal and natural, so is crying. Crying is not losing composure. Crying is a natural and healthy response to loss or reminder of loss. In that sense, sadness and happiness are equal.
"We would no more wish to take away someone's sadness than we would take away their joy.
"Please do not fall into the trap of identifying sadness as negative or something to be avoided. Millions read your paper. Please give them accurate language about human emotions."
We signed the letter as the principals of The Grief Recovery Institute. Of course, you're wondering if the Times ever published the letter. Bet you won't be surprised to find out they didn't.
Some time later, we wrote about the ongoing travesty caused by the depiction of Jackie Kennedy standing with her children, without apparent emotion, as President John F. Kennedy's funeral procession passed by. We highlighted the fact that the television commentators kept repeating the phrase, "Isn't she strong," as if her nondisplay of emotion was virtuous. It set up the idea and the ideal that being "strong" and not showing emotions was a good thing.
(In fairness to Mrs. Kennedy, it is common knowledge that she had been given heavy doses of strong prescriptions to allow her to stand upright that day and that her true emotions were buried under the meds.)
That was in 1963. Thirty-three years later, in 1996, another first lady showed her emotions and was castigated for it.
In both instances, the media were wrong. They took the liberty of making dangerous and incorrect comments that have negatively affected millions of people.
As a society, we pride ourselves on progress, but when it comes to grief and the honest emotions connected to loss, we often seem to be going in the wrong direction.
It is time to set the emotional record straight and help people safely express their feelings of grief without judgment, criticism, or analysis.
Russell Friedman is Executive Director of The Grief Recovery Institute – www.griefrecoverymethod.com - and co-author of "The Grief Recovery Handbook" and "When Children Grieve."
© 2022 John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute®. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint this and other articles please contact The Grief Recovery Institute at [email protected] or by phone, 800-334-7606.
More Articles
-
Two First Ladies — No Feelings, Please!)
Preamble: On March 6, 2016, former first lady Nancy Reagan died. In honor of her life, we thought we'd show how human emotions are often distorted in… Read More »
-
Deaths of Celine Dion’s Husband and Brother Open Questions on Grief
The recent death of Celine Dion’s husband, followed a few days later by the death of her brother, opens questions about how grievers cope. By… Read More »
-
Two Year Tragiversary of the Boston Marathon Bombings
Wednesday, April 15th, 2015 marks the second “tragiversary” of the Boston Marathon Bombings which killed three innocent people and injured 254… Read More »
-
The Art of Condolence
When an acquaintance has lost a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. Here’s some guidance on offering sympathy with grace.… Read More »
-
The 4th of July—Another Reminder of Those Who Are No Longer Here
The common bond that connects all holiday celebrations is that they tend to be family-oriented events. Whether the holiday commemorates religious… Read More »
-
The Boston Marathon Bombing, The Aftermath: Loss of Life, Loss of Safety, Loss of Trust, and Loss of Innocence
April 15, 2013, the date of the Boston Marathon bombing, joins the list of dates we’d rather not remember, but we can’t forget. It takes its sad… Read More »
-
Post-Holiday, Grief-Related Blues!
Many people are rightfully concerned about the powerful impact the end-of-year Holidays can have on their friends who've recently experienced the… Read More »
-
In the wake of the recent deaths of Robin Williams and Joan Rivers, this preiviously published article has good advice for all.
Today I feel compelled to write about a personal loss, that just happens to be one of the national obituaries currently featured on the home page of… Read More »
-
Newtown, Connecticut—Our Grief, Because We Are The Family Of Humankind
Certain events have the power to propel us into an emotional numbness, as if a hidden thermostat inside our hearts shuts us off. The pain is too much… Read More »
-
Dealing with Grief During the Holidays
Dealing with Grief During the Holidays While there are other critical dates and times that affect grieving people, the holiday season is the biggest… Read More »
-
Veterans Day—Lest We Forget
In its day, World War One was called "The War to End All Wars." Sadly, it wasn't. WW I officially ended on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day… Read More »
-
We Never Forget The Important People In Our Lives.
We recently received a note from a woman named Linda, who had a child die, and who interacts with other parents who’ve also experienced the death… Read More »
-
On Crying—Part Two
In Crying—Part One, we focused on the idea that it can be dangerous and counterproductive to attach our personal ideas and beliefs to how other… Read More »
-
On Crying—Part One
Almost everyone has some questions and confusion about crying. How much crying is enough? If I start crying, will I be able to stop? Do I have to… Read More »
-
9/11: The Aftermath, Loss of Life, Loss of Safety, Loss of Trust, and Loss of Innocence
By Russell FriedmanSeptember 11, 2001 now lives in our language in the same emotional way as December 7, 1941 and November 22, 1963. Nearly everyone… Read More »
-
Am I Going Crazy?—An all-too frequent question from grievers.
“Since my mother’s death, I’ve had the experience of being in one room, deciding to go to another room to do something, and when I get there, I… Read More »
-
Father’s Day 2016 - My Dad, Babe Ruth, and the Ball That’s Still in Orbit
In the kind of emotional reviews our minds and hearts make on chronicling days like Father’s Day, we often discover a level of appreciation that… Read More »
-
Memorial Day, 150 Years Later. Lest We Forget!
Memorial Day as we know it today began as Decoration Day in 1866, in upstate New York, after the cessation of the Civil War. First conceived as an… Read More »
-
Mother’s Day! Remind Me—Remind Me Not—Remind Me
In mid-April there are two things you can count on in the United States. One is the due date for filing your tax return. The other is the arrival of… Read More »
-
BECAUSE WE ARE THE FAMILY OF HUMANKIND
BECAUSE WE ARE THE FAMILY OF HUMANKIND [March 11, 2011]At 11:15 PM on March 10th, 2011, my heart was burning and my stomach was churning. I was… Read More »
-
Am I Paranoid, Or Are People Really Avoiding Me?
The simple answer to the question posed in the title of this article is, “No, you’re not paranoid, people really may be avoiding you.” Even… Read More »
-
Valentine’s Day—For Many, The Most Painful Holiday
The traditional Holiday Season begins around Halloween, continues through Thanksgiving, crests with Christmas and Hanukkah, and ends with New… Read More »
-
Our Reaction to The Tucson Tragedy – Because We Are the Family of Humankind!
Within a two year span, from February 1, 2003 to December 26, 2004, we used the title “Because We Are the Family of Humankind!” for articles we… Read More »
-
Uh-oh, it’s that time again. Grief and the holidays
Many Grievers Wish They Could Skip The Holidays And Jump From Late October To Mid-January The holidays are approaching. A joyous time. A festive time… Read More »
-
Is It Ever Too Soon To Recover?
Conflicting opinions from a wide variety of sources confuse the question of when to begin a process of completing what was left emotionally… Read More »
-
Why Won’t Anyone Let Me Feel Sad?
If we were forced to quantify the problems grieving people encounter, there’s no doubt the number one offense they must confront is being told that… Read More »
-
Six Major Myths – The Short Version
There are six major myths about grief that are so close to universal that nearly everyone can relate to them. This is true not only for those of us… Read More »
-
Do I Have to Cry To Grieve?
"My father died recently. I have been very sad, but I have not cried. Do I have to cry to grieve?"That is a question we get all the time from people… Read More »
-
When Your Heart Is Broken, Your Head Doesn’t Work Right And Your Spirit May Not Soar
For most people, the immediate response to the death of someone important to them is a sense of numbness. After that initial numbness wears off, the… Read More »
-
If I Start Crying Will I Be Able To Stop?
Grieving people sometimes hold back their tears based on the fear that if they start crying, they won’t be able to stop. To the best of our… Read More »
-
Time Doesn't Heal - Actions Do
I have heard that it takes two years to get over the death of a loved one, five years to get over the death of a parent, and you never get over the… Read More »
-
I’m Fine And Other Lies!!!
Approximately 20% of your ability to communicate is verbal, leaving about 80% as non-verbal. Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice as well… Read More »
-
Normal and Natural reactions to the death of someone important to you.
Grief is the wide range of normal and natural reactions to the death of someone important to you. The seven most common reactions are: … Read More »
Find Local Support
Workshops & Training Schedule
The Grief Recovery Institute ® offers Certification Training programs for those who wish to help grievers.
April 2017
Indianapolis, IN - April 7-10, 2017Princeton, NJ - April 7-10, 2017
Reading, Berkshire, England - April 21-24, '17
Denver, CO - April 21-24, 2017
Vancouver, BC, Canada - Apr 28-May 1,'17
San Francisco, CA - Apr 28-May 1,'17
May 2017
Seattle, WA - May 5-8, 2017Dallas, TX - May 5-8, 2017
Milwaukee, WI - May 19-22, 2017
Torquay, Devon, England - May 19-22, '17
Regina, SK, Canada - May 19-22,'17
Los Angeles, CA - May 19-22, 2017
At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.
Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.
© 2022 Tributes, Inc. All rights reserved.